SELF INFLICTED 'HUGE' POTHOLE’S OF LIFE

Well.............here it is almost June of 2011.  Where did the time go?

Huh! I know where it went...really I do!  AWAY......as in GONE forever, never to be seen again.

(Long Deep Sigh).  Why is it that I purposely sabotage myself, and procrastinate on everything!

I could go on about everything that has happened since my last post here in January.  

Well, actually, I can’t tell you everything. Why? Well, it seems my brain doesn’t remember much about the immediate past, other than the most distinctive events. I think this is because most of the time I go from one day to another, almost completely void of the enthusiasm one should have for life, so the days just rather run together. 

Why little enthusiasm? Well, because I cannot stop thinking about all the mistakes I have made all throughout my life, some of them real disasters. That is especially true of the last 6 to 7 years. 

I come from an era where the hierarchy of society was that women were mostly either homemaker’s and or mothers. Few women back then, were highly educated or held elevated positions in the business world. I never got that far. I became pregnant shortly after graduating from High School. I have never had the financial and mental freedom that some women experience. I have let men control my whole life for the most part. The key word here is LET.  I let myself be controlled. 

You see, my personality is one that is pretty easy going, and not the sharpest brain wise. I also had a very domineering father, so I was eager for any chance to get out from under his dominant character. I had a boyfriend whom I subsequently married. He treated me pretty well most of the time, but then there were times when he was verbally abusive, and in the back of my mind I knew that I should have stood up for myself, but I just didn’t have the confidence, nor the courage, and for 22 years, I let him abuse me. Not that everything in our marriage was all bad. We made two beautiful children together, who grew up to be very wonderful, very intelligent adults. I am very proud of them, and always will be! I love my kids!  However, in terms of my marriage, and the relationship with my husband, by the time of our 22^nd  Wedding Anniversary, I had grown out of love with him. Actually, it was probably long before that, but it was at that point that I knew I could no longer pretend feelings I no longer had, and I had to find the courage to do what I had to do. 

You see, I’d met another man, who made me feel attractive, and even sexy. He treated me like someone who's opinions or thoughts mattered to him. But that man was simply nothing more than the catalyst that helped me to find the courage to separate, and eventually divorce my 1^st husband. During that time I realized that even though my husband loved me in his own way, it wasn't the right way. I can't put all the blame on him either. I let him treat me badly. I let him walk all over me.

After my divorce, the ‘other’ man disappeared from my life, which is just as well. I knew it was a toxic relationship for me.

On my own; for the first time in my life since leaving home as a young married woman, I felt free for the very first time in my life, but, I was obviously frightened for my future. I had no real experience with the outside workforce, and I knew I needed more education. Anyway, to make a long story short, I soon became involved with another man. This man became my 2^nd, and current husband.  He came into my life at a period of time when I was very vulnerable, and he literally swept me off my feet. He told me that he would take care of me. He told me that I could quit working, and that he would support me in every way possible. At the time, it sounded wonderful, and certainly eased my concern for my future. He also gave me the impression that we had a lot in common. 

Now, I’m not going to get into all that here because it wouldn’t really serve any purpose at this point.

So here I am, and I am done with constantly thinking about the past and how many bad mistakes I made! They are in the past, and I can’t change what is over and done with. I can only go on from here, and hope that I can actually do something with my life before it is totally over. My recent visit to the emergency room of our hospital really brought that home to me like nothing else could!

I had been having chest pain for almost two weeks, and I kept telling myself that it was just acid reflux, because I’ve had that kind of pain before, years ago, and I knew how it felt. This pain was just like the pain of acid reflux, except for the fact that, when I was having the pain, my arms felt like so much dead weight, and would tingle and ache like the worst toothache!

Another odd thing was the time of day it would hit me.  The first time I experienced the pain was mid morning one day when I was changing the sheets on the bed. All of a sudden, I was short of breath and it felt like my heart was doing a tango in my chest, and I became lightheaded.  

What the hey!? 

I had to stop immediately and sit down to catch my breath. You would think that would have been enough of a warning. But, like everyone else who goes through this type of experience, I was in total denial.

So, that first day it happened, the pain only lasted a few minutes, and then my heart slowed down, and I was fine the rest of the day.  I kept telling myself that it must have been the acid reflux, because the pain from that is almost identical to a heart attack, but in the back of my mind there was that niggling little voice reminding me that I’d been really lethargic for months. I’d been dealing with a bit of depression still, so I assumed that was a part of the cause of my lethargy. But the pain would come back every evening when I laid down to sleep, so I finally called my GP, and I was told to get my butt to the emergency room and get myself checked out.  

As it turned out, I discovered that it was a great deal more than just a little acid! I had almost 90% blockage in the left anterior, (outer), artery of my heart. A catherization was done and that's when they found the blockage. A stent was placed, and to make a long story short, I'm fine now, except for the depression that still brings me down at times.

My GP has told me repeatedly that I need to seek out counseling, but have I done that yet. NOPE!   I mean, I am not crazy, but the way I see it, there is NOTHING that a counselor can tell me that is going to change the reality that is my life.  Am I whinning?  Yeah, maybe just a tad.

However, I cope in my own way. 

You see, I love to read books, a lot of books; mostly fantasy and historical romance. 

They take me away from my dreary depressing thoughts for a time. They take me into a different world, and sometimes a different time. Sometimes it is based in the past, (Victorian era), or in the future. It’s mostly just fantasy. Actually, it’s pretty much ALL fantasy, LOL.

 Yes, it is a make believe world, but the operative words here are ‘different’, or ‘fantasy’. The books I read are mostly romance, and definitely fictional!  No one, to my knowledge, finds the kind of chemical, biological, and emotional, (soul mate), type of love that these fictional characters find. It’s all pure fantasy to me, soul mates, Ha! No such thing!

However, that does not mean that I don’t enjoy reading about it. It takes me away. It takes me beyond my own blah, ho hum, existence. 

So, I will push on and try to make more of each and every day I have left on this earth. Life is a gift, and we should never take it for granted. 

Who knows, maybe I'll take up cake decorating!  I love this one show that is broadcast on TLC. The name of it is "Cake Boss".  This guy named 'Buddy' makes some pretty incredible and beautiful cakes.  I also enjoy "Cupcake Wars", and "Fabulous Cakes".


Another show that is also on TLC, is called, "Say Yes To The Dress".  I love to watch these women trying on beautiful wedding gowns!  It's quite entertaining I assure you!


Until my next post, Au'revoir' my friends!