Thursday, April 8, 2010

Today.........Just For Today

Yesterday morning I was reading through Google Buzz.  My mind was really foggy, even though I'd already had a couple cups of coffee.  My body was hurting EVERYWHERE, and I suddenly felt utterly alone, and angry, at myself, my (dh), and the world in general.  Google Buzz, as you all know, always asks this simple little question every day, "What are you thinking"?

thinking cap Pictures, Images and Photos

Remember now, that I was in a very angry, very unhappy and sad state of mind when I wrote this.

I stared at that question and I thought.........okay, I'll tell you exactly what I'm thinking, and I proceeded to announce my thoughts, on that particular morning, for all the world to see. Here it is...........

What am I thinking?   I'm thinking about going back to bed, I want to throw the covers over my head and let the world go on it's merry way without me in it.  I'm thinking my life is $hit, I'm thinking that no one care's about anyone anymore. I'm thinking about throwing in the towel, quitting the game, etc.  My body hurts, and I am tired of feeling tired, I am tired of having no direction in my life. Tired of this depression weighing me down.  I'm too old.....(this from a women who graduated with an Associates Degree in Business Management, at 60 yrs of age! no less).  I'm just tired.

tired Pictures, Images and Photos

Maybe I just don't have what it takes. Or maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, when I shouldn't be. When so many other people are much worse off than I.  Maybe I just need a miracle.  That's it!  I need a miracle.  Anyone out there got a miracle that doesn't cost money???  Everything costs money! Money is a necessary evil!.  It pays for the food you eat, it pays for the roof over your head, it pays for this, it pays for that....well, you get the picture.  Sad to say it's something I have very little of these days.  It is ignorant talking about this on Google Buzz.  Sorry folks, go on with your day and forget about it.  One thing I do have plenty of.....and that is spammer's wanting to sell me a dream, when in reality it is probably more like a nightmare.

The above is what I almost posted on Google Buzz!!  But fortunately I thought better of it. Now please be patient and read on...........

My father died last year of Dementia, ( a terrible disease that took the father as I knew him, long before he actually died) and my mother, God bless her, being the wonderful, dear, sweet lady that she is, decided to send me a check out of some of the life insurance that she'd received. She knew that the hubby and I have been struggling financially for a long time. Well, I really didn't feel right about it, but at the same time, I thought immediately about my teeth. My teeth are getting really bad, you see, and I, (this is one thing I inherited from my fathers side of the family, (bad teeth),  Lack of the chemicals that make teeth strong, weak enamel? I don't know.  As a child I can remember many, many trips to the dentist. No matter how many times I would brush my teeth, I would still end up with cavities.  Another reason is that I smoked cigarettes for several years, when I was younger, which of course did nothing to help that. So, when my mother told me that she was going to do this, I told her that I would use the extra money to finally get my teeth fixed, or so I thought!  It didn't happen. Let me explain. 

I made the mistake of telling my hubby that I was going to get this money, and the first thing out of his mouth was, "I can get new tires for the truck".  My husband loves me in his own way, but in another way he can sometimes be sort of selfish. He did not even ask me, he just informed me.  I didn't say anything, I didn't say, "Sweetheart, this is money that my mother is sending to ME, not you and me.......ME!"  But I kept my mouth shut. I didn't say it, I did not want him to think that I wouldn't share a part of it, but only that part that would be left over, AFTER I got my teeth fixed.  Well, I received the check and deposited it in my own bank account. One that I opened for myself. I think my hubby had assumed that I would deposit it in his account.  I can't explain it, other than to say I just wanted my own account. I've been taken care of all of my life. First by my parents, and then by both my 1st, and then the 2nd hubby. I just wanted a little slice of independence.

The 2nd hubby wants me to be totally dependent on him. He doesn't understand my reasons at all. But the fact of the matter is, he does not really care what happens to me, should he pass away before me. His way of thinking is that I will survive because I still have my mother, and she will most likely leave something to me in her will. Macabre thinking on his part, but you see how his mind works. He does have life insurance but it is a paltry sum, and would probably just barely pay for his burial expenses! I would also get his pension, but it would be cut in half. Whenever I've tried to bring the subject up, he vehemently refuses to even discuss it. He does not want to think about dying, even when his cancer was diagnosed, he still couldn't bring himself to , 'get his ducks in a row' so to speak.  He is like a child in a mans body.

Well, .......boy, how can I tell this story without sounding really naive.  Huh!  So, I called a dental office and made an appointment for a consult and an exam. I found out too late that this dental office did NOT do extractions.  The extractions had to be done by another dental surgeon. He no longer did extractions.  The dentist wanted over $3000 for the cosmetic work alone, and the extractions were going to be at least another $1200. Part of the reason that the dental work would cost so much is because I wanted to be put out.

I HATE going to the dentist! I'd rather give birth than go to a dentist!  I just could not believe how much it would cost!!  Maybe I should have made it clear to them that I only had so much money that I could spend on my teeth, but then I kept putting it off, and putting it off, until several weeks went by.  I had gone on exactly one shopping spree at Wally World = Wal Mart. I spent over a hundred dollars of it buying NOT one thing frivilous! Everthing I bought were things we needed.  And then, my husband would ask me for a hundred here, two hundred there to help pay the bills. One time, I gave him $400 so that he could play with a group of guys, (his buddies), that come down here every year for a week of golf, and they go play a different golf course every day. How could I say no??  Then I started using my bank card to purchase our groceries each week, and before I knew it, I did not have enough left to get my teeth fixed!  Sighhhhhhhhh.

I should have a big yellow sign on my forehead that says {dumb ass broad} !!!

I'm not blaming my husband for my stupidity, or my naivete.  I am simply what is commonly known as a door mat. It really isn't my husband's fault he is the way he is. He was an only child, and he was pandered to by his mother. Growing up, he had just about everything he wanted.

Before we separated, he had become very paranoid about everything. There was a reason for his paranoia too.  I had lost a great deal of weight in the year before our separation, and he was paranoid about me finding someone else, so paranoid that he more or less pushed me away because of it.  Am I making any sense here? I hope so.  At that point in my life I really did not want another man!  I could not even communicate with the one I was married to!

So, in the end, and the thing that matters most in this story is that my teeth have still not gotten fixed, and I fear that it is causing me to have OTHER health problems. We have NO dental insurance by the way.  My husband never felt it was a necessity.  He almost NEVER brushed his teeth, (still doesn't), and because he did not brush his teeth, he now has only his upper and lower front teeth left.......the rest were extracted!  Not that they were all bad, but .....I think I talked about this in one of my earlier blogs??  He had to go through some very extensive radiation and chemo, and they extracted most of his teeth, because they (the doctors), feared that his gums would get infected, or something of that nature.  Do not get me wrong here, he does care about my health, but he does not understand that bad teeth can cause other, even more serious health problems if not fixed.

He was supposed to get dentures, after his mouth healed from the radiation, but he never did.  To this day he has no teeth to chew, just his front teeth to bite with. He chews using his gums!  LOL!  That's my hubby!  He's quite a character, and things haven't always been rainbows and lollipops for him.  He, unfortunately, inherited vascular problems.  I think it is called, umm.....arterial sclerosis?  He has to take an anti-clogging drug to help keep his arteries open.  He lost part of his left leg just below his knee because of his arterial troubles.  He didn't let that keep him down for long.  He got himself a prosthesis and learned how to play golf all over again. His friends are constantly amazed at how well he gets around.

Okay, I'm done lauding my hubby.  His friends think he is a wonderful guy, and in many ways he is.  He's been through a lot and always came back from it.  He had a heart attack when we were separated and he came bouncing back from that.  That is another thing that I feel responsible for. That I beat myself up over.  I should have come back to him then.......but I didn't, because I was afraid he wouldn't take me back, even then.

I've made this story much more complicated than I wanted to, but here's the thing. I've put a donation button on my blog here, asking for donations for the (Teeth Fixing) fund.  A dollar here, a dollar there.  Anything you might be able to afford.  I would be very grateful to any and all who donated to my Teeth Fixing fund!!  I've lost two teeth upper side, front, and a couple lower ones too.  I cannot smile the way I want to because of how bad my teeth look.  Also a part of the reason I'm so depressed!

You would think the hubby would fork over the money.......but the truth is, he doesn't have it to fork over.  It goes to the other medical bills, and groceries and utilities, and the mortgage on this house. That is another story for another time.

I HATE asking people for help, because I've always tried my best to see the bright side of things, but with my health failing me, and now my teeth.  I will be putting a picture of my current smile on here for all the world to see, even though I am so ashamed of my smile that I have tried to keep it hidden.  

May God bless you all for listening to my sob story!!     

Sobbing Pictures, Images and Photos

No comments:

Post a Comment