Friday, April 23, 2010

Self Worth – I Am A Star?

Depression: What is it really? Well, here are just a few comments by anonymous individuals who give their descriptions of how it really FEELS to them. I picked these out especially as they apply to me.

  • It's like trying to walk through waist high cement.
  • It is frustrating and overwhelming. I feel incapacitated by simple chores like laundry and dishes that is not done for weeks on end. Like I am some sort of invalid.
  • Depression is the feeling of hopelessness, feeling useless and worthless.
  • I feel nothing good… only emptiness, pain and guilt. It seems as though I am merely existing not living. I question everything I say and do…like, I am not sure how I should be. I am constantly letting those I care about down…does that mean I don't care for them. Depression makes me feel so self-involved and yet I don't even want to think about myself. I don't like who I am.
  • Depression feels like a circle of guilt, worthlessness, inability, weakness, and fear. All wrapped up in silence and fog. You don't function like you used to, you can't think like you used to, you can't participate like you used to and you let down those depending on you like they used to. You live in a circle of fear and guilt and your brain constantly reminds you that you no longer measure up and there is no point in trying anymore. An endless circle of failure.


Depression feels like all of these to me, the last comment in particular.

However, every morning of every day I still force myself out of the bed, and routinely do what I can, whether it is to wash a few dishes or do one load of laundry, I will accomplish at least that much!

But housework is quite another story..…..Ha! Dusting? Not even! Sweeping the floor? Nope, not even gonna try, mainly because the thing sounds like it is going to explode every time I turn it on! Cleaning the bathrooms are just more than I even want to think about! Yuck!

We have not been able to update a bloody thing in this house since we moved into it, and that was back in 2002! That could depress even the most cheerful of souls!


On Monday of this past week I had an appointment with my lawyer, and I was late. Simply because of a miscalculation on my part of the time for the appointment. The week before had been pure HELL, but that doesn't matter, because I had been informed of this appointment weeks before!

Last week, I had developed an infection in one of my eyeteeth. The infection was deep into the root of the tooth that was already broken off at my gum line. It was so bad that I knew I was running a fever. I could feel it under my skin, burning. Everything else that was going on around me became insubstantial to that damn tooth pain! For four days, at the very least, I was down for the count, I couldn't think, couldn't function, couldn't do anything!

Also on Monday of this past week, I went to consult with an oral surgeon, one that was recommended to me as being reasonably priced. When the consult was done the receptionist gave me an estimate of the cost of extracting seven of my teeth. The total came to $1247.oo dollars. This doesn't include any cosmetic work that would have to come next. Well, considering what had to be done, I felt it was reasonable. However, when I asked about making payments, she told me that since I did not have any dental insurance the bill had to be paid-in-full.


Sighs, like we have that kind of money just laying around!

There is nothing for it but to wait until…………………until my ship comes in? Until HELL freezes over? Until we win the lottery?? Until I get another infection most likely!!!


  1. Nobody it seems wants to comment on this, maybe because we have all been there and don't know what to say, so all I can think of is, I hope the sun shines for you again soon, and good things come along.

  2. Awwww, well thank you sir for leaving this comment! It really does help me! May you be blessed for it!
    Yes, I can understand why NO ONE is enthusiastic about commenting on one woman's desperate plight. I suppose that it can bring others down from just from reading it, or like you say, maybe they've been there, and do not want to be reminded of it. Again, Thanks so much for your very kind words. Know too, that it was very much appreciated! :o)

  3. Hi JJ,

    Sorry to hear about your oral woes! I know my younger sibling had to have extensive work done on his mouth but had no insurance. He had 4 impacted molars and back when he was a little kid he had to take an antibiotic for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever that destroyed most of the enamel on his teeth.

    Yeah, it was expensive and he barely had a job (with no medical/dental coverage). When he wound up in the hospital ER b/c he'd gotten an infection in one of his teeth they had to treat him for the infection & the miniscule med insurance he had helped cover that aspect.

    When the dr said that he really REALLY needed to have his teeth worked on he asked how. And the dr suggested he hunt for a dentist who'd be willing to do the work at either a reduced rate or on credit. They ARE out there.

    He also suggested that my brother get a credit card w/a low limit of about $1,000 to $2,500 that he could use exclusively for the dentist. Yes, there is an interest rate to deal w/so you have to hunt for the best one.

    When all was said and done, he got a credit card, found a dental school that was willing to work with him for a reduced fee and b/c he was willing to 'pay' $1,000 up front they were willing to work out a future payment plan.

    Just a few suggestions. I really hope you get it all worked out! After all it really can be depressing when you think you've not got a chance...but you do. It just takes a little leg work to get it done!

    Good luck,

  4. Hello LAvery,

    Thanks for your very kind and thoughtful comments dear. I love to hear from folks!

    Yes, I was told by that same 'receptionist' that if I couldn't pay the bill in full that I could get a dental 'credit' card, as it's called. It is used by those whom can't afford to pay the high price of dental work in one lump sum. Actually, I have already checked into that. However, my credit is not good enough to be accepted by any creditor right now, so that avenue is not open to me for reasons I'd rather not go into. Like I said in my post, I will just have to wait a while. I will however, call the dentist that recommended me to this oral surgeon, just to see if he can help in any way. He was very understanding, and seemed to care.

    I greatly appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment for me, and your suggestion of a credit card is a good one, and for anyone else it would work. But not for me. :o(