SELF INFLICTED 'HUGE' POTHOLE’S OF LIFE

Well.............here it is almost June of 2011.  Where did the time go?

Huh! I know where it went...really I do!  AWAY......as in GONE forever, never to be seen again.

(Long Deep Sigh).  Why is it that I purposely sabotage myself, and procrastinate on everything!

I could go on about everything that has happened since my last post here in January.  

Well, actually, I can’t tell you everything. Why? Well, it seems my brain doesn’t remember much about the immediate past, other than the most distinctive events. I think this is because most of the time I go from one day to another, almost completely void of the enthusiasm one should have for life, so the days just rather run together. 

Why little enthusiasm? Well, because I cannot stop thinking about all the mistakes I have made all throughout my life, some of them real disasters. That is especially true of the last 6 to 7 years. 

I come from an era where the hierarchy of society was that women were mostly either homemaker’s and or mothers. Few women back then, were highly educated or held elevated positions in the business world. I never got that far. I became pregnant shortly after graduating from High School. I have never had the financial and mental freedom that some women experience. I have let men control my whole life for the most part. The key word here is LET.  I let myself be controlled. 

You see, my personality is one that is pretty easy going, and not the sharpest brain wise. I also had a very domineering father, so I was eager for any chance to get out from under his dominant character. I had a boyfriend whom I subsequently married. He treated me pretty well most of the time, but then there were times when he was verbally abusive, and in the back of my mind I knew that I should have stood up for myself, but I just didn’t have the confidence, nor the courage, and for 22 years, I let him abuse me. Not that everything in our marriage was all bad. We made two beautiful children together, who grew up to be very wonderful, very intelligent adults. I am very proud of them, and always will be! I love my kids!  However, in terms of my marriage, and the relationship with my husband, by the time of our 22^nd  Wedding Anniversary, I had grown out of love with him. Actually, it was probably long before that, but it was at that point that I knew I could no longer pretend feelings I no longer had, and I had to find the courage to do what I had to do. 

You see, I’d met another man, who made me feel attractive, and even sexy. He treated me like someone who's opinions or thoughts mattered to him. But that man was simply nothing more than the catalyst that helped me to find the courage to separate, and eventually divorce my 1^st husband. During that time I realized that even though my husband loved me in his own way, it wasn't the right way. I can't put all the blame on him either. I let him treat me badly. I let him walk all over me.

After my divorce, the ‘other’ man disappeared from my life, which is just as well. I knew it was a toxic relationship for me.

On my own; for the first time in my life since leaving home as a young married woman, I felt free for the very first time in my life, but, I was obviously frightened for my future. I had no real experience with the outside workforce, and I knew I needed more education. Anyway, to make a long story short, I soon became involved with another man. This man became my 2^nd, and current husband.  He came into my life at a period of time when I was very vulnerable, and he literally swept me off my feet. He told me that he would take care of me. He told me that I could quit working, and that he would support me in every way possible. At the time, it sounded wonderful, and certainly eased my concern for my future. He also gave me the impression that we had a lot in common. 

Now, I’m not going to get into all that here because it wouldn’t really serve any purpose at this point.

So here I am, and I am done with constantly thinking about the past and how many bad mistakes I made! They are in the past, and I can’t change what is over and done with. I can only go on from here, and hope that I can actually do something with my life before it is totally over. My recent visit to the emergency room of our hospital really brought that home to me like nothing else could!

I had been having chest pain for almost two weeks, and I kept telling myself that it was just acid reflux, because I’ve had that kind of pain before, years ago, and I knew how it felt. This pain was just like the pain of acid reflux, except for the fact that, when I was having the pain, my arms felt like so much dead weight, and would tingle and ache like the worst toothache!

Another odd thing was the time of day it would hit me.  The first time I experienced the pain was mid morning one day when I was changing the sheets on the bed. All of a sudden, I was short of breath and it felt like my heart was doing a tango in my chest, and I became lightheaded.  

What the hey!? 

I had to stop immediately and sit down to catch my breath. You would think that would have been enough of a warning. But, like everyone else who goes through this type of experience, I was in total denial.

So, that first day it happened, the pain only lasted a few minutes, and then my heart slowed down, and I was fine the rest of the day.  I kept telling myself that it must have been the acid reflux, because the pain from that is almost identical to a heart attack, but in the back of my mind there was that niggling little voice reminding me that I’d been really lethargic for months. I’d been dealing with a bit of depression still, so I assumed that was a part of the cause of my lethargy. But the pain would come back every evening when I laid down to sleep, so I finally called my GP, and I was told to get my butt to the emergency room and get myself checked out.  

As it turned out, I discovered that it was a great deal more than just a little acid! I had almost 90% blockage in the left anterior, (outer), artery of my heart. A catherization was done and that's when they found the blockage. A stent was placed, and to make a long story short, I'm fine now, except for the depression that still brings me down at times.

My GP has told me repeatedly that I need to seek out counseling, but have I done that yet. NOPE!   I mean, I am not crazy, but the way I see it, there is NOTHING that a counselor can tell me that is going to change the reality that is my life.  Am I whinning?  Yeah, maybe just a tad.

However, I cope in my own way. 

You see, I love to read books, a lot of books; mostly fantasy and historical romance. 

They take me away from my dreary depressing thoughts for a time. They take me into a different world, and sometimes a different time. Sometimes it is based in the past, (Victorian era), or in the future. It’s mostly just fantasy. Actually, it’s pretty much ALL fantasy, LOL.

 Yes, it is a make believe world, but the operative words here are ‘different’, or ‘fantasy’. The books I read are mostly romance, and definitely fictional!  No one, to my knowledge, finds the kind of chemical, biological, and emotional, (soul mate), type of love that these fictional characters find. It’s all pure fantasy to me, soul mates, Ha! No such thing!

However, that does not mean that I don’t enjoy reading about it. It takes me away. It takes me beyond my own blah, ho hum, existence. 

So, I will push on and try to make more of each and every day I have left on this earth. Life is a gift, and we should never take it for granted. 

Who knows, maybe I'll take up cake decorating!  I love this one show that is broadcast on TLC. The name of it is "Cake Boss".  This guy named 'Buddy' makes some pretty incredible and beautiful cakes.  I also enjoy "Cupcake Wars", and "Fabulous Cakes".


Another show that is also on TLC, is called, "Say Yes To The Dress".  I love to watch these women trying on beautiful wedding gowns!  It's quite entertaining I assure you!


Until my next post, Au'revoir' my friends!

Choking The Life Out of America........

Sorry folks, I know it's been a while. I've been waging my own private, very frustrating, and debilitating, battle with CPS, (chronic pain syndrome).  I have days when I feel ok, and others where I can't get through a day without having to lie down.  On those days, (this has been going on for years), I've always described this unrelenting pain to my friends and family, as (my head) being a bowling ball, balanced on the tip of a toothpick, (my spine).

I think in one of my previous blogs I stated that this blog is what helps me to deal with the depression that comes with (my invisible illness), having someone out there to talk to, and of course, to know that there are others all over the country living with chronic pain. I hope this helps you understand why there might be longer pauses between posts, than normal.

As you know, from the title of my blog, there are times when I will rant about politics, and our government representatives. This is one of those times.

Ha!  representatives my ass!! Who do they really represent? Because it sure does not look to me like they are representing their constituents!  Okay, grant it........not ALL of our politicians are corrupt and power hungry.

But it is my opinion that a good deal of them have become corrupted by greed and power.  Whether you agree with that statement matters not to me, it is only my opinion. It is also my opinion that there should be a law that would prevent a candidate from accepting any campaign funds from 'special interest groups', like corporations, banks, or individuals who have their own agenda, that they fully expect said candidate to fulfill. Our government has simply gotten too big, and too controlling. Our freedoms are very slowly being taken away little by little.  So slowly that most of us have failed to notice it, until it just might be too late.

There are some people who think that Glenn Beck, is nothing more than a propagandist looking to make money by telling 'tall tales' about what our government has been up to for the last...oh, say 50, 60, or 70 years.  Mr. Beck, in my opinion does not speak with a forked tongue, (unlike certain politicians). Everything that he states on his show is backed up with facts. He has been forecasting for years now, exactly what is happening in our United States right now. High unemployment, Big Government, and a Federal Deficit that is very close to being unsustainable!

I don't claim to be an authority on the subject, never did, but just suppose, for a second that the dollar bill were to suddenly be devalued. What do you think will happen in this country?  Another depression, much worse than the "Great Depression" of 1929, (black Tuesday), ever thought about being. But lets ponder on this. The great depression of 1929, if you know your history, was when the stock market crashed. There was high unemployment, (much like it is now), poverty, which has always been present, low profits, deflation; farm profits plunged drastically. There was a sudden and general loss of confidence in the economic future. Sound familiar??  Even when the depression continued to get worse, the politicians, and Industry leaders were issuing optimistic predictions for our economy.  Hmm?  Gets you thinking doesn't it.

We have a black President who campaigned for change, and promised anything and everything to get elected. What, I wonder has he done to change anything for the better? Other than making things worse, spending more money that we don't have, creating non-existent jobs to make people think that the 'recession' was starting to subside. Yep, he's surely done that!

Oh well, as I stated, this is just my opinion. But I'll leave you with this to ponder, "Those who don't know our history, will surely be doomed to repeat it"....again, and again, and over again.

Americans With No Health Insurance.....

I ran across this article and it reminded me of a time when I was in this same situation, more or less.  Anyway ...........take a gander.

Many Americans Have No Health Benefits
Written by: Jermaine Brandon

Many people today take health insurance coverage for granted; there are many people who do not even have coverage. The issue is over 46 million people who do not have any health insurance or dental insurance. When you look at these numbers it breaks down that one out of every six people have no medical or dental coverage. As you view this problem it's happening to people all across the country.

The major issue facing medical insurance and dental insurance is the pros and cons of enforcing a universal coverage law that has been based on the research that many people across the states are uninsured young individuals, such as teenagers who are healthier individuals who don't believe they need any coverage.

But the problem is, there are millions of people who don't have health insurance because they suffer from chronic conditions and cannot afford the treatments. (That was me)! Although I had health insurance, I could NOT pay the deductible!

You have one out of every three working-age Americans without medical insurance who has a chronic illness to deal with, but the lack of medical or dental coverage is due to getting accepted for any health or dental insurance policy when they have a pre-existing condition. In these trying times, getting the proper care a person needs is difficult if they are already dealing with a health problem, which is going to cost them a lot of money to just get a little bit of coverage and a lot of times they are not fully covered.
 
With Baby Boomers reaching retirement, the need for good inexpensive health and dental care has reached an all time high. Prices for these services continue to go up with no end in sight and most people are beginning to wonder if they can afford to have dental and health at all. AmeriPlan has the answer to this problem with a program that cuts out the middle man and brings you straight to the dentist or doctor. Programs listed for every member of your household include everyone you live with, even if they are not family and all this does is allow everyone to be able to afford the health care for themselves and their family.

About the Author

http://www.totalhealth1.com

When the hubby and I were separated I was still covered under his insurance, however, I did not take into accounting how bad my situation was going to get during that period of time.  I wish I had known about AmeriPlan back then, although, even with that, it was still going to cost me money.  There is no such thing as a "Free Clinic" anymore.  Everyone is out for themselves it seems.

Not long after we separated I became severely, physically, and mentally depressed.  I could not work due to the physical effects of my depression. What I mean is that my depression was so bad that I went for weeks not being able to function as a human being.  Days when I could not even muster up the strength to get out of my bed.  Yes, I had family close by, but I could not tell them how bad things really were, I was embarrassed by the fact that I had gotten myself into that situation, and it was basically my own fault. Besides which, they could offer plenty of emotional support, but not financial.

So, even though I had insurance coverage, I had  to pay a deductible before I could get anything done.  I had no income from which to pay for doctors visits or hospital stays, or emergency room visits.  Women like myself at the time (displaced home-makers), really have it rough out there. This is especially true if they have no marketable skills to fall back on, and they have been housewives and mothers for many years.  There are charitable organizations out there, if you know where to look. And even when you find them, there is usually a very long waiting list to get anything done.

What is really unfortunate for some women my age, is that in today's current economy, and under our current government, these women,who are, for whatever reason, unhappy in their marriage, but also do not have any marketable skills, are pretty much stuck in whatever situations they are enduring, unless of course, their husbands just happen to be rich.  Looking back, I realize that I didn't have it so bad.  Others like me suffer much worse.

Just A Little Background On Me.

Hello to y'all out there! I hope y'all are doing well.

I thought I might take the time to tell you folks a little about me, and why I decided to start blogging. First and foremost, I enjoy writing a great deal. Secondly, I have not been able to work outside the home for several years now, due to some serious health problems. I'll tell ya, it is pure HELL to get old! My health problems are mostly due to the aging process, but also due to 'trauma' related injuries', ( a whole other story), and it seems to me that I've been going through menopause for the last 20 years at least!

For those of you lady's who've been there, you know of what I am speaking. Night sweats, that wake you up in the middle of the night, sometimes, more than once, and you have to get out of bed and change your pj's because they are soaked with sweat, or hot flashes that make you feel like you are going to explode into flame at any minute! I am a 60 year old lady, and I have had these symptoms for what seems like an eternity! Now, I'm sure you're saying to yourself, but wait....there are ways to combat those symptoms right? Yes, and no.

When I first started having the night sweats and the hot flashes, I was put on what (back then), was considered the best pharmaceutical drug for menopause, premarin. It did help with the night sweats and the hot flashes, however, after a period of approximately six or seven years, I was abruptly taken off of it, and here is why.... I started having pain in my upper spine, neck,and through my shoulders,and it got so bad that it was disturbing my sleep, and interfering my workday, so I was referred to a spinal surgeon.

I'm really trying to make a long story short here, so bear with me. Anyway, it was determined that I had developed some really bad bone spurs that were sticking out from my vertebrae. The bone spurs were hitting nerves, and supposedly that was the cause of the pain. However, the reason that I was taken off the hormone drug is because when they did an MRI, it showed a brain tumor in the lining of my brain. I was totally and utterly shocked! "A brain tumor"! 'I said'. 'How is that possible'!

I was told that it was highly possible that the hormone I had been taking for years, was the cause of the brain tumor! Oh great! Not only that, but finding a neurosurgeon willing to operate and remove it was almost impossible! Every surgeon that I consulted with considered it too risky to operate because the tumor was sitting right up against my brain stem. The only good thing about this tumor, was the fact that it was not a cancerous one. Meningiomas, which is what I had, are benign tumors that develop in the thin membranes, or meninges, that cover the brain and spinal cord.

Ok, soooo...since I didn't have any real life threatening symptoms, I was more or less told to live with it, at least for a while. The tumor was diagnosed in 2001, and it was 2004, before I finally found a neurosurgeon who was willing to go in after the tumor. He is a Professor in the neuro-surgical part of The Medical University of South Carolina in Charleston. He was, and still is considered the best of the best! I found out that he actually teaches a class dealing with this very same type of brain tumor. Anyway the surgery was a success, and I was very grateful to him.

Now, I hate admitting this to anyone, but at the time of that surgery I weighed in close to 180 lbs. I was real close to being obese. I had promised myself that if I were to get through the brain surgery, I was going to change my eating habits once and for all, and I was going to do it without any pills, diet programs, or the like. I'd been to weight-watchers, and although that program works for some, it just did not work for me.

I started watching everything that I ate. I cut out a lot of calories, and cholesterol, I started drinking water instead of sodas. I cut down on the amount of coffee I would drink in the mornings, because it does dehydrate the body. I started walking and riding my bicycle every day, sometimes twice a day. I had a CD Player that I would strap around my waist and listen to it while I did my housework, dancing around the house! :o)

It gave me more and more energy as time went on, and the pounds just started to melt off. Now, don't get we wrong here.....it took right at a year to loose a little over 60 lbs. It was not easy, but the more I lost the better I felt, and the more it made me want to keep up with it! I have to say that it was the best I'd felt in years.


Anyway, I believe that in one of my earlier posts I was ranting about 'displaced homemakers'........well, my husband and I were having some (personal) marital problems, and we were separated for a period of time. That is why I was ranting about 'displaced homemakers', because I was one during that period of time.

You see, I was part of that generation where the wife stayed at home and raised the kiddies and kept the house, cooked the meals and washed the clothes, while the hubby went out and brought in the bacon. I stayed at home for over 22 years while my children were growing up.

Now, again.........don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed that time, and being able to stay at home with my children was something that many mothers do not get to do nowadays. I think it helped my children to be more responsible, caring, and loving individuals, and I can't help feeling glad about that. However, it did leave a huge gap in my Social Security, not to mention the fact that I had very little in the way of marketable skills to obtain a good paying job. During the time that the 2nd hubby and I were separated, I became severely depressed. I had a good paying job for a while, but unfortunately, it was also way over my head, and I was dreadfully under-qualified, but I could not turn it down, not when I needed the money so badly.

I lasted almost six months at that job before they let me go. At the time, I was actually grateful when they let me go, because let me tell you, I was so stressed out, I would come home to my apartment after work and throw up my socks! Stress can be a killer!

After that, I had several part-time jobs, all of which ended badly. The depression I was suffering from was affecting my whole physical being. There were days when I could barely function. I had difficulty obtaining any medical help because I just did not have enough money to pay for it. I was lucky to have enough to pay for my groceries. Sooo, as I was saying before I went off on this long-ass story, had I known about this 'displaced homemaker' thing, I might have been able to find more help. Help was definitely NOT something that was very forthcoming! I had to work hard to even find someone that would help, and what help I got was very little. Here is an example - I went to what was known as Legal Aid. This is a department of Social Services that determines the need for financial help.  I of course did NOT qualify.......get this, simply because I was NOT a young mother with little ones at my feet!!  Sighhh. I had no clue how messed up our system of government was until then.

I ended up moving in with my older brother for about a year, until the hubby and I reconciled, and reunited. No, I'm not saying that everything is a bed of roses just yet, but things are finally starting to look up. Oh, by the way, while we were separated I did manage to do something good for myself. I enrolled with Kaplan University 'Online College, and I now have an Associates Degree in Business Management! ((smiles)). I didn't actually think that I would be able to pull it off, but I ended my degree with a 3.83 GPA. Not exactly a 4.0, but I sure wasn't complaining either!!

Now, we shall see where the road takes me from here. Wish me luck, cause I'll need it!

~~~Displaced Homemakers~~~

The term "displaced homemaker" means this:

An individual,(usually a women), who has either worked primarily without remuneration to care for a home and family and for that reason has diminished marketable skills.

Or, has been dependent on the income of another family member, (in my case, the hubby), but is no longer supported by that income, for whatever reason.

Or, is a parent whose youngest dependent child will become ineligible to receive assistance under part A of title IV of the Social Security Act(42 U.S.C.601 et seq.) not later than 2 years after the date on which the parent applies for assistance under such title; and is unemployed or underemployed and is experiencing difficulty in obtaining or upgrading their employment.

(As described by the Illinois Center for Specialized Professional Support)

Wow, I wish I had known WHAT I was, WHEN I was!!

Maybe then I would have known where to go for help, or what I needed to do to save myself a LOT of frustration, desolation, hopelessness, anxiety, and depression.

Oh well, here it comes, you know like the proverbial, "Water Under the Bridge", or "No Use Crying Over Split Milk", "Too Little Too Late". You get the picture.

I will NOT go into detail about my experience as a (displaced homemaker), suffice it to say that it was not only NOT enjoyable, it was pure and utter HELL! I don't recommend it that is for sure! If you are a baby boomer make sure to get your 'ducks in a row' before you go traipsing off into NeverLand like I did.  In other words, make sure you have a NEST-EGG to fall back on. A sizable financial one!